Save My Marriage Or Relationship - Getting to the Core of Relationship Problems
How to save a marriage or relationship by
identifying the core issues that have caused problems in the first place. This
article discusses how our fundamental fears and needs eventually damage or
destroy a relationship. It provides some practical ideas on how to get the
communication going again in a relationship and the best way to repair a
relationship.
Many people
search on my website because their relationship has run into difficulties and
they are looking for help or ideas. The truth is that sustaining a successful
romantic relationship is one of the hardest things we will ever do in
life. After falling in love and the
?honeymoon’ period, we all have to work on our relationships. This is because relationships
bring up our deepest fears and insecurities. We can even think of relationship
problems as our best opportunity to heal our personal issues ? that is why we
have come together with our partner.
I could offer you
some temporary fixes to an ailing relationship, but if we are really going to
save it and turn it into a lifetime partnership we must learn how to work on
the negative issues that come up between us and a partner. To save a
relationship and make it sustainable into the future we must be willing to heal
the core issues that have caused it to run into difficulties in the first
place.
Unexpressed Fear and Needs
All relationship
problems arise from a breakdown in the loving connection between two people.
There will always be some negative emotions that have not been expressed in the
relationship ? it is the fear associated with these, usually unconscious,
feelings that destroys the relationship. The unexpressed feelings cause us to
separate from our partner because we do not want them to see our negative side
in case they reject us. Ironically, this is exactly what our protective
strategy brings about!
Out of our fear
comes our needs and these create demands on our partners. If there is a problem
in a relationship, one or more significant need is NOT being met. Interestingly
this will be the same need that your partner also feels is lacking in the
relationship. By identifying your unmet needs you can give this same thing to
your partner and they will automatically begin to give this same thing back to
you. It is even better if you can talk about your fears and needs with your
partner in an emotionally mature way. Honest and heartfelt communication is the
best way to save a relationship. It can take courage to express your feelings
but this is the way forward in a relationship problem. Sometimes it takes time
and the help of a third party to do this, so you might consider some
counselling. As you communicate about your unmet needs and fears you will find
that your partner shares them and any problems will then fall away.Arguments and Rows
Relationship
fights are about who is going to meet the needs of the other person. Given that
they are always shared by both partners, you can see how futile this is. To end
an argument and prevent others occurring you must be willing to stop the fight
over needs and think about what you could give to the relationship to make it
better. Such leadership only comes when we recognise the cause of the fights
and gain sufficient emotional maturity not to be triggered into anger and
attack.
Judgements
Our judgements
about our partners are really our self-judgements. We project out the parts of
ourselves that we do not like on the people around us. What are you judging in
your partner? What annoys you about them? Perhaps they are always busy at work
and you don’t feel they value you. If so, how much do you value yourself and
how much quality time do you give to yourself. By working on your own
self-esteem (see my website for more ideas) you will become more attractive to
your partner. After all, they fell in love with you because of the positive
qualities they saw in you ? find these again in yourself, embody them with all
your senses and start giving them once again.
Sex
One of the
biggest problems in a relationship can be a deterioration or complete cessation
of sex. Although this seems a fundamental and fatal flaw, it is really just a
symptom of the emotional distance between two people. Our fears, needs and
unexpressed emotions causes us to separate on the physical, emotional and
indeed spiritual level. We are afraid of allowing our partner to get too close
to us in case they see the person inside of us that we don’t like. Most of this
happens unconsciously so we aren’t always aware of it. Again more honesty
around our feelings about sex and a willingness to work on our self-esteem will
always hep in the bedroom. As the love returns to a relationship the sex will
be naturally re-kindled. Sex can get as good as it was when you first met and
often even better, as you heal your mutual fears.
Spirituality
If you have a
spiritual or religious belief you can ask for help and guidance from God (or
however you know a divine or spiritual presence in your life). At the core of
all relationship problems is a loss of faith in our own spirit and divine,
loving connections. In fact we are afraid of this much connection ? afraid of a
spiritual oneness where there is just love for ourselves, everybody and
everything. It seems that we create our relationship problems to avoid
accepting our true loving destinies. Any spiritual practice will help with re-connecting
with our spirit and help us to find peace and love in our romantic
relationships.
Love
I assume you
first got together with your partner because you felt so much love for them. At
that time you both put aside your fears and needs and discovered unconditional
love. Being human means that those fears often return but we can heal them best
with a partner providing we are willing and brave enough to go into those areas
of pain in our mind that we have hidden away. We avoid expressing our pain because
we don’t want our partner to see what we perceive as a weakness ? we fear they
will reject us and leave us, and yet if we don’t express them the relationship
is at great risk. Therefore a willingness to open our hearts and just become
more authentic will always reveal the truth in a relationship and allow both
partners to grow and take their lives forward.
So what is it
that is holding your relationship back? Now is the time to grasp the nettle and
open your heart. Feel into your own pain and hidden insecurities and realise
that these are also in your partner, but probably cleverly hidden by
compensatory behaviour. Your partner needs your help and you currently have
more emotional awareness. They need your forgiveness for any failings and your emotional
courage to inspire them to heal their own insecurities. Pour your love , appreciation and gratitude
onto your partner and re-discover all those things that you adored about them
in the beginning.
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Tags: core issues, falling in love, fear, fears, honeymoon period, how to save a marriage, lifetime, marriage, negative emotions, partnership, people search, personal issues, relationship problems, relationships, romantic relationship, truth, unconscious feelings